Sex versus love…are we at war?

We are in conflict it seems….

This is a world where sex is everywhere. On tv, online, in relationships, on billboards, newspapers….life is dominated and permeated by sex it seems. It means a lot. Perhaps it means too much? I suppose it has every reason to be high up on the list as a priority. It is how we all come into life, into being. You cannot deny the power and appeal of physical attraction – without it, the species would not survive. It is certainly a force to be reckoned with. Is there anything more powerful than sex?

Apparently there is. According to a research study conducted by ‘live science’ in 2005 (which can now be found in the Journal of Neurophysiology), love is much more powerful than sex. The study states that even though love and sex are intrinsically related, they are quite different to each other. Sex and love trigger off different neural reactions in the brain. Love has been identified through a series of different studies as the more persuasive of the two. It even changes and matures over time depending on the strength of the relationship.

This fascinates me greatly. Love apparently has more power over the human mind than sex. Yet, I feel in society today that sex is revered more than love. There are so many break-ups, divorces, extra-marital affairs, etc. nowadays I often feel that love is struggling to do well in the survival stakes. Is it really going to stand the test of time?

In a society where sex always seems to have the upperhand and greater influence, love is the stronger force as it is the connecting bond we feel with another person. That must be why when we go through a break up with someone, we go through mild to severe heartbreak depending on the closeness of the relationship. We have bonded emotionally with someone else and that separation causes immense pain as a consequence of the attachment we once had and no doubt, still feel.

It is only natural to associate sex with a deep and intimate love for your partner. When you love and care for someone, sex isn’t really a priority but it is a very welcome part of expressing that love. A normal reaction based on how you feel about each other. Other feelings matter more – respect, trust, emotional intimacy, etc. to name but a few.

When I hear about couples who fret about how little they have had sex in the past couple of weeks and worry about where their relationship is headed, I think to myself…why are they focusing on that as the main issue? Are they happy together or are they just using sex as the connective tissue to hold the relationship together? Too many people do that I fear. Your relationship should be based on the strength of emotional not physical intimacy..and I think that is where we are going wrong. There is too much emphasis placed on sex and not enough on emotional intimacy in my view.

You can be physically intimate with your partner and feel as though you both emotionally inhabit different planets. Sex, therefore has little meaning, if anything at all. You might as well have casual sex and one night stands instead if you are going to feel like that. Nothing is stronger or better than love and being truly intimate with someone. Sex is sex. It has a biological function, place and purpose. It is not love but it is a very natural response to being in love.

If sex is all your relationship is based on, then…it isn’t love. Sex should be a celebration of how you feel about someone who means the world to you.

Not a tool used to cement your weakening relationship together…

How to end the war between sex and love?
Value true intimacy with another human being.

How to create intimacy? Be honest and open with yourself and your partner. Nothing will drive you further apart from each other than secrets and lies.


© Christina McDonald 2014


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