I don’t know how to have fun…better work on this. (Or maybe I should just chill out).

I have been given an amazing insight by my long suffering mother today. I am actually one of those people who doesn’t know how to have fun – this is true. I think I know – but I don’t. That’s the problem. I think too much. For the first time in this life, I have admitted this to myself. I take everything so seriously (well, not everything but a lot) and ‘fun’ isn’t something I would consider myself being or having. I can have a laugh and a joke with friends and have a good night but my entire mindset is geared up to finding the point and the meaning within everything I do otherwise, there is just no point in doing it. Everything has to mean something.

I really do need to have more fun. Just for the sake of it! This feels weird to me…how sad!

‘Don’t you ever do things just for fun?’ ‘No mum, I don’t see the point. You have to learn something about yourself and the world around you and acquire new skills and a certificate in the process. Otherwise, you’re just wasting energy. What are you achieving?’ (Comparing me to close family members in the process…’you know you’re exactly like your sister, your aunt, your cousin…’

How did I miss this?

‘Is there a course I can do in ‘having fun?’ (Only joking…) No! That one is down to you… just chill! Not everything has to be a trial.’ I blame my training as a classical musician. ‘If you make one mistake in this audition, you won’t get in’ I made a mistake. ‘Yeah, that’s why you didn’t get in.’ So – I spend the early years of my life believing mistakes cannot happen and that everything is just that serious. For some people yes – but I am not one of those people obviously. I have a lot to unravel….or maybe not..I’m cool 🙂 I don’t have to understand why all the time…ahem! (Fighting every natural (or conditioned) urge in my body right now…

I came home from work earlier feeling a bit blue, bored and a bit tired. I decided to call home. I was preparing my negative monologue. ‘Ah there’s just no point to anything…this is a mad life. I don’t know what I should be doing.’ It is a mad life of course. Yes it is. So mad I can’t even begin to tell you. You know yourself what this planet is like.

I get uptight about silly things. I obsess about stuff I shouldn’t really – but then I think to myself ‘well if I don’t do this or if I don’t take this seriously, nobody else will and then something bad will happen or we’ll make a mistake.’ Yeah. Maybe. But…maybe not. Obsessive? Me? Ha! If I relaxed a little more, what harm could it do? I like to think of myself as someone who knows how to have fun. Why should I have to ‘know’ how to have fun? Why can’t I just ‘have’ fun?

I feel quite odd as I write this. I know I’m very structured, organised and I like my routine. I am a creature of comfort but I want to be different. I crave to be passionate, adventurous, more of a dare devil and an extrovert – but I really don’t think I am. I pretend I am and that pretense is what has been driving me crazy over the years. If I can finally accept the fact that I am actually quite wound up sometimes – (I really feel uncomfortable admitting this), perhaps I might be able to loosen up more as a person.

I mean – here I am telling people to make the most of every moment and enjoy life when I don’t do the same myself a lot of the time. If I took my own advice, it would be a good thing. I’m stuck in my head, lost in thought and neglecting the very basic fact that life is there for enjoyment – this includes myself.

(almost forgot about that).

© Christina McDonald 2014.

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‘Just stay positive…’Managing the ups, the downs and the messy inbetween stuff..

‘Life is what happens while you are busy making others plans’.

John Lennon

The messy bits in between make life worth living….nothing is apparent or clear until we make our way through it all. Walking a path through the chaos is the way we find the path…

If there was anything I could say is ‘wrong’ with my life that I would want to improve, it is the inability to stay positive. I can remind myself to be positive on difficult days. Staying positive – well that is another whole kettle of fish sometimes. I can’t just stay positive all of the time. I’m moody and have loads of ups and downs. I’m just not one of those people. I’m more of a ‘if the glass is half full, then…I’m out of booze, fill it up with a large tequila to make me feel better….please God.’

(I usually snap out of it soon enough!)

I can bring myself back to a state of positivity but I’ll be damned if I can maintain it sometimes! I have a positive outlook on life and I am a great believer in being positive. Being negative for no reason sucks. The only problem is I am very sensitive and emotional and my mood goes up and down from one day to the next. A human sponge. I am conscious of other people’s moods and sensitivities and I am liable to pick up someone else’s bad vibes as a consequence. How can you negate the bad vibes and focus on the feel good stuff instead?

Don’t Think Too Much:

That is a curse in itself. Thinking too much places your entire day in a self-imposed bubble of nonsense. The chattering mind will not help you to gain or keep perspective. It makes you feel gloomy for no reason, even if everything is going well. Thoughts are just thoughts. Your reaction to thoughts means more than the actual thoughts themselves. I would rather think too much than too little though…(Not that I think too much or anything and end up tiring myself out over nothing…. (I gotta work on that one…)

Don’t complain about other people (no matter how much they get on your nerves):

Seriously – how often do we feel we want to get some annoyances off our chest? I do. A lot! I try to let those feelings go. Usually, I can feel myself getting very angry before I feel a tirade coming on.

So cue the following – ‘Deep breaths, calm blue ocean, let it go, let it go…one glass of tequila please’…:)

Learn to Laugh at Yourself:

Life can be hilarious sometimes. Just look around you. Taking things too seriously is no way to go. Take things seriously enough and that will be just fine. If you don’t laugh at life, you will end up being miserable. When s*** happens, smile 🙂 How often do things ever really go to plan? They will always work out but not according to the way you might have originally thought they would. They may even work out better for all you know….

Break your routine:

It is so easy today more than ever before to get trapped in a behavioural rut if we are not aware of it. We all work very long hours and especially in the city, it can leave you feeling comepletely drained. Many of us our a slave to routine. There is nothing like a good stable routine to make you feel secure sometimes but it can also weigh you down and make you feel as though you have nothing to look forward to.

Do something fun and shake it up! 😉

© Christina McDonald 2014

Travelling…for fun?

I have the travel bug big time. It is something that is just within me. Ever since I was a kid (still am a kid really – a big kid!) Having experiences always meant more to me than settling down with a house, children and a mortgage. To me, that is only one possibility. It is a possibility still but it doesn’t feel right for me at the moment.

We all have the freedom to make whatever choice that feels right for us. Luckily, we all have the freedom to choose – but what if you don’t know what feels right sometimes? Life doesn’t come with a manual and directions to keep us on track. Perhaps that’s a good thing.

Perhaps it will never feel right for me. I have a feeling if I really wanted to settle down properly, I would have done it by now. I would love to have a bit of both if I’m honest but not sure I would be able to juggle the commitments and the finances somehow. Everything is so damn expensive nowadays and prices just seem to keep going up, not down. I would like to have children one day maybe….

I also love flying but I have to admit I’m not as keen on it as I used to be. I now feel more nervous than ever when I have booked a flight somewhere. What with the possibility of plane crashes, terrorism attacks, etc. I wonder how any of us get on a plane at all anymore. I suppose if you have to do it, then you have to do it.

I always forget that I have to do the walk of dread through airport security – taking off shoes, boots, jewellery, belts….anything else? I just don’t want to go through the hassle of that anymore.

And then there are the possibilities of flight delays…always a pleasure.

Also, hearing reports in the news about pilots falling asleep in command after very tight turnarounds and working 12 hour shifts without adequate breaks to rest doesn’t instill me with much confidence anymore. I don’t want to get on a plane and wonder if the pilot is feeling up to it or battling severe exhaustion. I would hope the former.

Travelling has become stressful enough when you think about the cost of flights, accomodation and perhaps picking up whatever rampant flu-bug there is in the recycled air on the plane. Major stress stuff. Oh yes, and lets not forget the wonderful possibility of having your chair kicked by a toddler for 5-6 hours as well. That happened to me when I was experiencing jet lag in full blast on my way to Salt Lake City a few years ago so I ended up leaning forward and resting my head on the seat directly in front of me.

The kid’s mother was preoccupied and deep in conversation and couldn’t really be bothered to do anything about it…even when I said politely…’please can you adjust the seat beside you, thank you very much…(and your child…)’. I love kids, don’t get me wrong. When I travel, I am a realist. I do expect to hear babies crying around me, etc. But-having my seat kicked relentlessly was a big no no. Boy I was grumpy that day…that’s what tiredness can do to you…..

Fun times…at least when I got off the plane I had a good two weeks catching up with my friend in good weather..otherwise I would have felt pretty hard done by…

With flying now, I feel there is too much anticipatory and emotional pressure involved for me. Too many things that can go wrong. Travelling isn’t completely stress free as there will always be the elements to deal with and there will be tiredness, fatigue etc. but there should be an enjoyable and carefree aspect to it. I don’t feel that anymore.

I still love travelling and the hunger to explore will always be with me…I just need to find another way to do it…how are the trains these days?;)

© Christina McDonald 2014.